How to Tell Your Children You are Divorcing

One of the most difficult parts of divorce for parents is "how do we tell the children?"  Here are 10 simple tips: 

1. If at all possible, both parents should be present.  This demonstrates to the children that you both will still be able to co-parent them and put their needs above your own.
2. Before telling your children, write out a simple outline of discussion points with your spouse and plan how you will address the children’s questions.  This will enable you to avoid contradicting your spouse and make certain that you and your soon to be ex-spouse have communicated with each other a mutually agreeable plan.  If possible, avoid using the written outline when you tell the children so the family meeting doesn’t look too formal and intimidating to the children. 
3. Keep it simple and age appropriate.  Do not give too much adult information. 
4. Explain that divorce is between the adults and that parents do not divorce children.  Tell the children that they are not at-fault for the divorce but the divorce is a decision made between the adults. 
5. Ask for questions.  Answer honestly with age-appropriate information. Do not be afraid to say, “I don’t know the answer to that.  When I do, I will tell you.”
6. Explain to your children the ways the divorce will affect them directly.  For example, will you move, will the children stay in the same schools, and so on.
7. Let your children cry if they need to.  It is important to let your children grieve.
8. Reassure them that you will not leave them, even if you are angry (which is one of children’s biggest fears) and that you will always love them.
9. Notify their teachers, coaches, group leaders, and anyone else who has contact with your child, so they can be aware of and be sensitive to your child’s needs.
10. Continue to talk with your children about the process.  One conversation is only the introduction.  As uncomfortable as this may be for you, your children need your guidance and support during this difficult transition period.

The above is taken in part from writings of Donna F. Ferber, LPC, LADC, a licensed psychotherapist in Connecticut and the author of From Ex-Wife to Exceptional Life: A Woman’s Journey through Divorce. To read more about Ms. Ferber and her work, please visit www.donnaferber.com